


Calm Waters Don't Last

by Artsy_Lad



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alana Beck & Jared Kleinman Friendship, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst and Tragedy, Background Alana Beck/Zoe Murphy, Car Accidents, Character Death, F/F, Heavy Angst, Hurt Jared, Illnesses, M/M, Major Illness, Minor Alana Beck/Zoe Murphy - Freeform, Multi, Poor Connor, Poor Evan, Slight fluff, Suicide, Terminal Illnesses
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-15
Updated: 2019-01-04
Packaged: 2019-04-25 06:57:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 13
Words: 17,900
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14373363
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Artsy_Lad/pseuds/Artsy_Lad
Summary: A really Angsty Sincerely Three one shot. I suck at descriptions/summary's.Evan and Connor were fine floating through the shallow end when a tumbling wave brought them Jared, it started their peace and calm adding unknown boundaries and anxiety into the mix but soon the boys accepted it. There once was calm again, that is until a wave crashes down once again this time disrupting the calm entirely as it sends Jared spiraling down into the dark waters, Evan and Connor frantically thrash to save him but they don't know if they can help.





	1. Calm

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Blissfulbroadway](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blissfulbroadway/gifts).



Evan and Connor looked at the waves that lapped at the shore, such a familiar sight that felt so saddening to look at without Him.

They both sat on the sand, shoes off on their towel a few feet behind them as they laid together just staring at the water. Its been two weeks since the incident happened and both had no idea what happened or what to do, what does someone do in a time like this?

Evan laid his head on Connors shoulder sighing sadly and he dug his fingers into the sand below him, feeling so helpless in this situation. Connor noticed his unhappy mood and wrapped his arm around him, pulling him close for some sort of reassuring contact. He could only do so much, in timed like this things were rough. Evan hasn't had a decent night sleep since he first got sent to the hospital, it was such a surprise. Who knew that the perfectly healthy, obnoxious, loud mouthed, hothead, insanely cool Jared Kleinman would collapse with an unknown sickness camping in his body.

It happened happened on November 5th, 18 days ago when it happened.

\----

It was a lovely day in autumn, chilly weather, warm drinks all around and warm fires and plenty of cuddles. Evan woke up groggily and groaned when the bright light from the sun shone through his curtains waking him up by blinding him. He groaned and sat up rubbing his eyes tiredly, trying to wake up fully. He stood and grabbed his phone of the charger and shuffled to the bathroom the splash some cold water to his face. Evan quickly shot a text to his boyfriends asking them if they wanted to hang out and hopped into the shower without waiting for a reply.

Once he was dressed he grabbed his phone and went into his kitchen and started his breakfast while checking his messages.

Cronchyboi: yeah in free, what ya got planned Ev?

Hottopic: I'm done for anything as long I can escape my dorm! My roommate is planning a party today and I don't want to be here for that.

Cronchyboi: why didn't you tell us? You could dorm with meeee or Ev babe!

Hottopic: let's just go out please Jare.

Evan smiled happily down at his phone and stopped his coffee and poured himself a cup and started scrambling his eggs and texted back smiling.

Naturelover is back online.

Natuerlover: sweet your both free, we can head over to the beach like we normally do, or get some ice cream and head over to the park?? Or the mall maybe just to hang out and go on a date.

Cronchyboi: aw that's so romantic Ev!

Naturelover: oh shush J, I just want to spend some quality time with my boyfriends.

Hottopic: well let's do that then. What time?

Naturelover: um, how about around 12?

Cronchyboi: sounds good to me, see you two an a hour.

Evan looked up from his phone to the clock, shit. Did he really wake up at 10:50? Saturday or not he should of woken up earlier. He put his phone onto his pocket and started eating his breakfast and drinking his coffee.

\---

Evan looked up from the waves up at Connor, Connor was staring so intensely at the waves it looked like he could set them on fire with only his eyes, a broken soul who healed over time had been crushed all over again at one fatal wound. "Connor..?" Evan asked hesitantly as he turned back to the water. "Yes Evan?" Connor said, his voice so broken of emotion, I knew he was sad inside but he wasn't always the best at expressing his emotion. Or normally lashed out at others thanks to this or kept everything bottled up which wasn't good either. "Do you think... He'll.. G-get better?" Evan bit his lip nervously, they really haven't spoken about what happened to Jared but its still there, its still there. "I..." Connor looked at Evan for moment and saw that he was looking at the waves sadly, Connor turned back to the waves thinking on what he was going to say. Deep down, he truly believed Jared would get better but all signs point that he's not, that he just getting worse. "I do believe he'll get better, I really do... But its hard, all the signs are there just.. I want to believe he'll get better its just hard and its even worse seeing him.."  
Evan nodded, and rested his head on Connors shoulder. "I keep thinking ab-about that day... The day when he h-had the episode... When it first happened.." Evan shuddered, recalling the day with sadness. Everything was fine and so perfect and then it ended horribly like something out of a nightmare.

\---

Evan sat at A La Mode anxiously yet excitedly waited for his boyfriends to arrive. He ordered himself some chocolate ice cream as he waited for them to arrive. By some, Evan got two scopes with chocolate sprinkles and chocolate fudge. He loved Chocolate, as he was waiting for them he thought about how they all got here before the door chimed signalling someone walked in and he heard the bickering between his two loved ones. He looked up excitedly to see Connor and Jared hand in hand auguring over something stupid probably. He happily waved them over and grinned ear to ear when they sat down.

"Ev, calm your tits were here okay?" Jared joked playfully, smiling. Connor rolled his eyes and flicked him on the forehead. "Leave our boyfriend alone, thank you very much Jare." Jared rolled his eyes and turner back to Evan. "Already got your ice cream?? Were we to slow for you? I'm offended." "Yeah you slowpoke what took so long, your car break down?" Evan shot back jokingly and Jared feigned fake offense. "How dare you, my beautiful car doesn't break down! Connor took forever putting on Zoe's eyeliner!" Connor snapped his head up, staring at Jared in fake offense and Evan could indeed see some eyeliner.  
"Alright, alright! Anyways why don't you guys go get some ice cream and we can chat and head off, how about that?" Evan stated, smiling sweetly at them. Connor nodded and Jared bit his lip anxiously and stayed in the booth as Connor got out. "I'm actually not that hungry after breakfast, and I don't really know why. I had a really light breakfast." Jared admitted absent minded, staring at the table. He looked up to see both of his boyfriends to looking at him concerned.

Jared instantly put his hands up, growing nervous and anxiety growing in his stomach. "But hey, its nothing! Just a slow morning, okay?" He smiled nervously, Jared really didn't want them worrying for them and he stubbornly didn't tell them that he wasn't feel okay and was particularly tired.  
Connor shared a concerned look with Evan but nodded slowly. "If you say so Jare." He said slowly and walked to go get some ice cream, Evan grabber Jared hand and rubbed circles on the back of it. "Are you sure? We can just go back to my door and cuddle if you want too." Evan asked sweetly, he gazed at Jared lovingly hoping that he was okay and would be gentle with him if he needed. 

Jared nervously looked at their hands and really wanted to go to Evan's dorm and just curl up and sleep forever and never again. He really wanted to, but being stubborn and insecure as always cause he couldn't let them miss out on a date because he felt tired! He should've just went to sleep earlier instead watching memes! "No! I mean, no, Ev would shouldn't stop our date because I'm not that hungry, c'mon we can go be cheesy and blind all the haters with out love!" Jared reassured, smiling to his boyfriend, trying to convince him. Evan looked down for a moment thinking about it, Jared seemed off but he didn't want to pester him and push him. Oh god, what if he said something wrong that day and Jared got upset, what if they pried to much and he stormed off?? Evan snapped back out of his thoughts to Jared rubbing his hand. "Hey, Evan, don't worry about it. I'm fine, okay?" He said, smiling sweetly. Evan nodded and took another bite of his ice cream. Connor soon returned with cotton candy ice cream and all three boys soon engaged into another deep conversations, unaware of the dark sad waves that were upon them, about to crash but not quite there, eye before the storm.


	2. Eye before the storm

Evan fidgeted his fingers into the sand as he rubbed his knee with the other. The sun was still shining but they both knew it would set soon but neither would get up. They both were thinking about it, calmly yet heartbroken on the inside. 

"Evan?" Connor spoke.  
"Yes?"  
"How... How did we not see, see that he wasn't okay?" He started staring at Evan, glassy eyes like he was going to cry, eyes filled with so much emotion Evan couldn't look away once he gazed into them.  
"Like, I can't rack my brain over that... He was healthy and happy and he went to all his classes fine, he seemed fine, he just acted fine.. But that day he was off and we didn't see that he wasn't... Fine."

Evan put his hand over Connors leg, reassuringly. "I don't think anyone could be prepared for that Connor. No one saw it coming, I don't think even Jared saw it coming." He said truthfully. Jared may act like an asshole and act fine when he's sad but if there was something wrong or concerning him deeply you could see it, he would change in his attitude and color wouldn't be the same. Jared is a loud orange, outgoing, eye catching and obnoxious, when sad or upset it would be dimmed down to a pale yellow at least, and he gets nervous and over thinks how Evan and Connor react. He puts them before himself. And when he's upset he's a fiery orange or at his most angry a light red bursting outward. But that day he was just fine and orange and himself, and no one saw it coming.

\----  
(Super short my bad)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah this was super short my bad


	3. The Storm

Evan was up ahead chatting with a store clerk while Connor and Jared where hand in hand waiting for their boyfriend to return with 'surprise gifts' they were chatting idly having a good time. Everything was perfect, the waters were calm and lapping at the shore timidly and everything was calm, the eye before the storm. When suddenly violent dark waves crashed against the shore dragging Jared into the deep blue with them, once was calm the next horrifying. Jared was okay one moment the next he felt horrible and collapsed to the floor, jerking and seizing, pain rushing through him unexpectedly. Connor who was standing by him happily was snapped back to reality to feel his boyfriend fall and lose his grip on his hand and rushed to catch him. He cradled the smaller boy trying to get a response, confused and called anxiously for Evan. Evan being happy with the gifts he got dropped them immediately at the sight of his normally tough boyfriend anxiously holding through once outgoing and healthy boyfriend who was seizing on the floor, unconscious. 

Evan rushed over instantly panic rising through him like an tidal wave, what was happening was Jared okay? He seemed fine but he clearly wasn't, was Evan a bad boyfriend for not noticing? Oh god how did Connor feel? Evan didn't even notice his breathing picking up or the hot tears falling down his face. Evan tried to calm down and looked towards Connor for anything, his eyes were glassy with tears swelling up and held Jared close frantically asking him to answer, and was trying to calm Evan and himself. Evan tried to do the breathing exercise Jared showed him a while ago to calm down, it wasn't working well but it did a bit. He shakily took out his phone and called the police hoping they would get here in time to help Jared with... With whatever was wrong. Jared was unconscious and he was breathing which was good but it was shallow and so small, which was deeply concerning. Was there something Jared was telling them?? Did he know about this? Thoughts flooded Evan's mind quickly as he tried to think of a logically answer of this. Soon sirens filled the worried mall, the air was dense with confusing and suspense. The ambulance came and ushered Jared away while Connor and Evan jumped into the back. They both didn't know what to say and held hands tightly together as they watched their lifeless boyfriend. It happened so fast it was all a blur to the sick with worry boys. One moment they we're fussing over and cradling Jared's unresponsive body the next they were anxiously waiting in the waiting room.

Evan blinked at his surroundings that came to focus and realized he was sitting in a waiting room next to Connor, how'd they get there that fast? Evan gripped the chair and tried to calm down, his eyes must've been bloodshot because he was still crying from the events that occurred earlier. He turned to Connor who's legs were crossed and he was tapping his foot impatiently, messing with lose stands of hair. He looked like a mess, his hair was frizzed up and uncared and he looked like he had been crying, no, he looks like he's about to cry, his hands were shaking as he messed with the strands and he was muttering to himself. Evan shakily ran and hand through his hair, was this a nightmare? Surely he would wake up at any moment and Connor and Jared would be there to reassure him it was all fake? Evan gripped the onto his seat and really hoped it was true, it had to be. This was to much like a horror film were everything's fine one moment and with no warning or indication suddenly they were throw into a massacre. What did they do to deserve this? What did Jared do to deserve this? Sure he was an asshole and acted like he was better than everyone but he's just insecure and deep down he deeply cares about others and what they think. He just has a really, really hard time expressing these feelings and keeps them bottled up, and he put up boundaries, defenses just so he wouldn't get hurt. We all do it sometimes, his were just harder to break. But once you break it you can see him for his true colors and not the ones he pretends to be.

The waiting room was surprisingly quiet except for a clock ticking and nurses rushing by and other people chatting or crying. There were only two other people here, yet Evan wasn't interested in their conversation, or their pitying looks they threw there way.   
Soon minuets honestly felt like hours to Evan, he didn't know what to do. He fidgeted in his seat and got some coffee, nothing was helping other than Connor's hand linked to his, finally a doctor walked out and called out anyone who knew of Jared. Both were instantly at there feet anxiously looking at the doctor. The doctor motioned them to follow as they walked down the hallway and towards the elevator. "So you two are associated with Mister Kleinman how?" They asked, Connor tightly gripped Evan hand as if to say if it was okay to tell the truth, he got the hint and nodding. As they all walked into the elevator, Connor spoke up. "Where his boyfriends, now do you know what happened to him?" Connor said quickly, he was worried. The doctor just gave a thoughtful look, and Connor looked like he was ready to fight them if they dared commented on them being poly or gay. "Unfortunately we don't know what's wrong with him, were running tests right now to find out what's wrong. And he's still unconscious at the moment but we believe he'll wake up soon. I'm sorry to hear that your boyfriend collapsed. Did he act any differently before it happened?" They doctor asked. There was no disgust on there face as they spoke and they seemed quite okay with it.

Connor relaxed and thought about what happened, Jared said he wasn't hungry after having a light breakfast did that have to do with this? "Um, he didn't really eat much while we were on a date and he looked tired." The doctor nodding and stepped out the elevator and led the boys towards a hospital room. "Well, thank you for informing me of this, I'm his Doctor, Dr. Chris Hayens. I'll inform you both if he gets better and I wish the luck to your relationship when he gets better." They spoke politely and opened the room door, Evan and Connor anxiously walked inside. Evan being silent the entire time, didn't know how to feel or what to say. It still felt like an unreal dream to him and he just wanted so badly to wake up, but seeing Jared in the hospital woke him up to the harsh reality that this is real and something wrong. Jared was hooked up to many machines probably to monitor and find out what's wrong, and he looked more tired and lifeless than before if that's even possible.  
Connor didn't know what to think seeing Jared like that, it was just so, awful to see him like that. He looked peaceful yet so lifeless at the same time, is that even possible? Both boys sat down in the chairs and sighed exhausted, they were so worried and tired but two thoughts plagued both their minds. What's wrong with Jared and will he recover?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was originally a one shot and I had to cut it up since it was 10,958 words long. I write to much. :P
> 
> Also ANGST I'm sorry my son


	4. Calm waves

Connor watched as the sun was starting to descend towards the horizon on the sea line, they could sit like this for hours just thinking. He knew Evan was also lost in thought as they both stared absentmindedly at the horizon as dawn spilled over the sky.

"Connor.."

"Yeah?"

"Remember when we first met him?"

"Of course."

"Jared slightly forgot how it went, h-he's been really forgetful la-lately..."

Connor heard the crack in Evan's voice, Jared was slowly losing pieces of his memory, it was one of the horrid side effects of his unknown sickness. 

"Did he...? Did you fill him in?"

"Of c-course I did.."

"Good. Wh-when... He gets better we should... We should make him a scrapbook."

"That'd be nice..."

\---

One summer time day Evan and Connor decided to head down to the beach and relax and do couple things. They packed all their things together and headed off to the beach. It was a nice and hot day so they were prepared to chill out in the water. Once they found a spot that was to their liking they unloaded their stuff and got setup. They sat down on their towel and looked at the sea happily, this was their favorite summer time date place other than A LA mode. Connor grabbed the sunscreen and applied and forced Evan to apply some on, no matter what safety from the sun is important! Plus Connor swears that Evan reddens like a crab when he gets sunburn which Evan will refuse to the end of time.

Once they got their sunscreen on they got comfy on the towel before actually went swimming. They liked to feel the breeze against them and watch the waves lap at the shore calmly. Soon Evan's attention was more focused on a setup next to them, more on the people actually, no wait scratch that. More on a cute boy and a girl, like a really cute boy. He was wearing simple green swim trunk, and had on some sandals to protect his feet from the blazing hot sand, and black glasses perched on his nose, behind them were chocolate brown eyes. He had tanned skin darker than Evan and definitely darker than Connor, he was really pale. And he had brown hair swept up nicely and had a really cute muffin top and he looked great. Evan tugged on Connor's arm, not once looking away at the boy a few feet away. "What do you need Evan? Trying to relax and enjoy my view of the waves over here!" He said jokingly. "Yeah, yeah. The waves can wait! That guy other there is so good looking!" Evan said quickly, both he and Connor had talked about poly before and how that they both would love to have that type of relationship with someone else one day but its hard finding a third person to your party. Connor turned to the boy and kinda just stared for a moment and then made a small nod in approval. "Do you like him?" Connor asked looking at Evan then back to the mysterious boy and his mysterious friend. Evan was going to reply but the girl must've said something funny because the boy let out the cutest laugh ever and snorted, grinning towards her. Evan heart did a backflip and he blushed, because that was the cutest thing he has ever heard in his life. Connor took the starstruck expression on his face as his answer and nodded, also loving the boys laugh.

"We should talk to him."

"Hell no."

"Why not?"

"What would we even say? 'Hi we find you attractive, like both us do and were a couple.'?!"

"No, like we could just say hi and talk to him."

Connor wasn't much for being straightforward and liked taking things slow and giving it time. So he sure as hell wasn't rushing into this, but before Evan could reply they both heard the boy shout and they turned to him. The girl was holding a pair of black glasses and running in circles screaming, while the boy had his arms out, eyes squinted tried, tried to chase her. She stopped going in a circle and ran straight ahead, towards Connor and Evan. Both boys froze, not know what to do as he ran over and threw the glasses at them and put a finger of her mouth. Connor scrambled to catch them and cleaned them with a towel and watched as Jared caught up.

"Alana!!"

Evan thought his voice was beautiful.

So did Connor.

"Yes Jared?" The girl, Alana spoke innocently as if she did nothing wrong. The boy, now Jared huffed squinting at her and crossed him arms. "Could you please give me back my glasses?" "I don't know what your talking about." Jared glared at her as best as he could and it was so cute. He crossed his arms and then sniffed. "Fine, I'll just burn your manga and delete your Netflix account off of my Netflix." Alana's eyes widened and she instantly grabbed the glasses, snatching them from Connor and held them up. "Hah, hah, you don't have to do that! There right here, see??" "No, I don't see. Because you took my glasses, I'm blind right now." Alana rolled her eyes and gave them back, Jared slipped back on his face and looked at Evan and Connor.

Evan calmed up, blushed and waved, embarrassed, Connor who was glaring at Alana for so rudely snatching them out of his hands turned to him and waved. Jared shook his head and turned to Alana. "Look what you did, you harassed these poor people Alana." "Bitch no I didn't, I just threw your glasses at them." "Al, you admitted it." "Shit." Jared chuckled and turned back yo the boys. His hands rested on his hips. "Sorry about that, Alana is oddball but she's great. I'm Jared, Jared Kleinman!" He held out on of his hands towards the boys. Connor made the first move and shook it. "Connor, Connor Murphy. This is Evan Hansen." Evan did a wave, flushed as he got nervous. He got this way with crushes luckily didn't know that and just thought he was shy. "So, did my friend here interrupt a date? If so I'll burn a manga to avenge your date." He joked while Alana squawked in the background.

Connor chuckled and shook his, smiling softly. "Nah its fine, we come here so often we don't really count it as a date unless its late and its a romantic sunset since Evan is a total sap." "Am n-not!" Evan squeaked, feeling the courage to talk to defend himself. Connor snorted. "The hell you is! And I love it!" Evan huffed and rolled his eyes and beamed when Jared laughed at there banter. "Wow, you two seem great together! How long have you guys dated?" "Two years. We met senior year of highschool and been together ever since." Connor answered simply. "What about you, you and that Alana girl are you guys together?" Hared faked gagged. "Heavens no! She's like a sister to me, plus she's to gay for my pan ass." Evan smiled, he was pan and wasn't with that girl from earlier, Connor was nodding, he was slowly integrating him to find out if he could be available for them. "Nice, so you got a boyfriend or girlfriend or taken in anyway or no?" "Nope! Single and forever alone! This meme will carry on sadly, drowning in whiskey on valentines day!" He said dramatically ending with a snicker. 

"Wanna exchange numbers? We could totally keep in touch right? I mean I saved your glasses from a sand attack I deserve your number." "Is that a flirt?" "Could be if ya wanted." Connor didn't know what he was doing or why he said that. It just came out and then he went with it, he waited for Jared to slap him or tell him he should be loyal to Evan or something. Instead, Jared smiled and pulled out his phone and pulled up his contact, showing Connor. "There you go, Romeo." Connor grinned and dug through the beach bag he and Evan had and pulled out his phone quickly typing the number in and them showed Jared his and Evans. Once it was done Jared sent him a text and looked up smiling. "Until next time I guess, beam me up Scotty!" He snickered and waved as he walked back to his setup. Connor was left grinning while Evan just thought about what had happened. Connor looked down at his phone unlocking it and checking out the text, his grin widening and Evan gasped when he read the text over his shoulder.

Cronchyboi: you two into poly? Because I'm Pansexual Polyamory and I'd be willing to join the party. Whoop Game references!

Hottopic: well welcome to the party. Join us for a date on Friday of next week?

Both boys held their breath as Connor hit send, then his phone chimed.

Cronchyboi: hell yes.

\----

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah yes some Fluff in this haze of angst.
> 
> Okay so I'm to lazy to proof read so if there's any mistakes please hit me up and I'll fix them
> 
> I think I did this chapter terribly.


	5. The visit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Blood warning, sorry my dudes
> 
> This hurts me too

Evan watched as the sun slow descended down into the sea, the moon was rising behind us. "We should go visit him.." "Are you sure Ev? We would only get three hours with him." Evan nodded and slowly stood up, Connor following shortly behind, gathering up the towel while Evan just stood and smelt the salty air and felt the breeze. Once they got there stuff packed up they got into their car and drove away from the beach where it all started. Evan watched as the beach slowly grew out of view. He turned back towards the the road in front of them as they started driving towards the hospital. Evan messed with his shirt, he was wearing one of Jared geeky tee-shirts and one of Connors jackets, unzipped so he could mess with the zipper. Evan asked Jared if it was okay to wear his shirt while he was in the hospital and he was totally fine with it, Evan messed with the ends of the shirt whenever he got nervous. He didn't need to tell Jared he's been wearing it almost everyday other than when it needed to be washed. Every time he saw him he zipped up Connors dark jacket or another jacket or a hoodie over it. As they drove, there was silence, neither of the boys bothered with the radio since Jared always took control of their music and played upbeat songs and memes. And whenever they did try to turn on the radio it just made them sad to here some trash new hit on the radio, rather than all-star or crawling in my crawl. It may have been stupid and dorky but that's Jared for you and they loved him for it, and they love of his dorkiness and they've been so different without him. Zoe and Alana try their best to help the boys get out the house and make them feel better but only time can heal their sorrow filled hearts.

Finally the hospital came into view and Connor gripped the steering wheel. He didn't like seeing Evan or Jared upset or hurt and seeing Jared in the state that he was in hurt him so badly, the first time he saw it it shook him deeply and he didn't speak for the rest of the day, Evan wasn't far off either, he spoke only a little bit it wasn't much as he cried most of the day. Evan noticed and put his hand on his shoulder as he pulled into the parking lot. Connor took a deep breath and parked the car and took the key out, he sat there for a moment before letting go of the steering wheel and opened the door and hopping out. Evan got out as well and walked over to Connor, linking their hands together, and started walking. Connor squeezed his hand tightly and trudged into the brightly lit hospital and up to reception. The lady working there was tired and cranky and gave their pass up and they walked into elevator. On the way up Evan leaned into Connor and messed with his hair, it was so reassuring to have him just there. 

Connor let Evan comb his fingers through his hair and let out a sigh, he was carrying a bag the whole way up and Evans hand. They had a routine ever time they visited Jared it was just there system, nothing really happens when Connor and Evan aren't there so Jared really enjoys them there. Once the doors opened they strolled out and headed towards to his room, it was quiet like normal. They got to the door and pushed it open softly and entering quietly, Jared was asleep at the moment and both boys stopped, staring at their sickened lover. Every time he just looked worse, unnaturally pale compared to his normally tan skin, hair a mess to sick to tame it, he doesn't even try, purple rings that burned into his skin under his eyes, he was getting thinner. It always hurt to see him in the state he was in, it shook the boys to their cores, Connor took a deep breath and walked over to the table stand.  
He put his bag down as Evan went to get warmed blankets from the nurse, Jared always loved them when they woke up, he was cold all the time. Connor closed the curtains and and waited for Evan to return, once he returned Connor removed the normal blankets off of Jared and Evan draped the warm ones onto him. Once he got them on him he lightly shook the sick boy awake, smiling softly. Jared blinked open his eyes, smiling knowing at the warm blankets that his boyfriends came to visit. "Hey..." he said softly, his voice was small in the big room. It was the palest color in his spectrum, so light and so quiet and so unlike Jared. Evan grimaced but forced a small for him. "Hey Jare." Jared eyes hurt them the most, other than his memory all over the place. Jared's eyes seemed so dull and hurt, they knew he wouldn't admit it but he was in pain. He once had an episode once when they were there, or when Connor was there and Evan showed up to wait for things to calm down with Connor. It gave them a sharp slap in the face that this was real and Jared is flickering between death and life.

—- (warning Blood, if your not comfortable skip this section) ----  
Connor groaned as he woke up in his dorm room to the sunlight, he had no classes today and Evan was out working at his Part-time job and Alana and Zoe were definitely hanging out together and he didn't want to intrude on the girls. So he got his ass up and drove to the hospital to see his other boyfriend. He got out the car and was hit in the face with the cold wind whipping at his hair, he breathed it in and shoved his pale hands into his dark jacket and started walking to the entrance. He told the lady who he was visiting and she gave him his pass, as he walked up to the elevator something seemed wrong, just like the normal silence just felt off. He anxiously got into elevator as it slowly closed and started heading up after his pale fingers jabbed the button. Connor rocked on his heels and texted Evan about how came to see Jared and he wouldn't be at his dorm if he stopped by.

NatureLover: tell me him I love him when you see him.

Hottopic: of course Evan, I'll tell him that whenever your not there.

NatureLover: Thanks Con.

Hottopic: love you Ev.

NatureLover: love you too Con.

Connor smiled in affection down at his phone, glad to have Evan by his side even if he wasn't there. Honestly Connor couldn't handle Jared getting sick without Evan, he didn't know what he would do. As the doors slowly opened he shoved the phone back into his pocket and trudged out the elevator. He suddenly felt uneasy again and stopped as dread washed over him like a rushing wave of emotion as he saw the flurry of rushing panicked doctors going into a room. No, Jared's room. Connor instantly walked over to them and watched as all them panicked. Connor tried to sneak into the room but one of the nurses stopped him instantly. "Hey, sir you cannot go in there at the moment!" "Wh-why not? What's going on?!" The lady bit her lip nervously trying to find words, setting Connor on edge. Jared was fine, yeah, he was definitely fine! He was getting better! Connor tried to calm his breathing waiting for the lady to respond. "U-um were running some tests! Yeah!" She obviously lied and Connor didn't look impressed. "Listen here lady I want th-the truth! Is Jared okay?! I will honestly slap you if you don't tell me how he is!" Connor tried to conceal his fear and anger and ran his hands through his hair to calm his ragged breathing.

"Shit, um he's just not stable right Noe for visitors!" "Not stable?!" Connor nearly screeched the lady wincing and shrinking back. "What the h-hell does that mean?! Not stable?!" Connor was on the verge on the panic attack, he couldn't handle losing Jared or Evan and he was scared shitless at the moment. His mind was racing like wild wind whipping around to create the most terrifyingly perfect storm, they were practically drowning him in fear and so many thoughts. The dark waves circled him and pulled him under just like how they took Jared trying to drown them both in different ways both still scary. "Um, fuck no! He's just not, he can't have any visitors! The doctors are trying to find out what's wrong!" Connor felt like he was miles away and couldn't take it anymore. He shakily shoving her out the way and ran inside the room.  
He was yelled out by many doctors but he didn't care, he pushed his way in only to be met with horror. Jared in his sick state was hunched over the side of his bed throwing up blood and any remains of food from early that day that he tried to force down. His sick stomach couldn't handle food that much anymore, causing him to become thinner. He was shaking as he heaved up more and more bile and blood, tears running down his pale face, his glasses were on the table as his hair messily fell over his face. He jerked and sobbed loudly as he leaned back up weakly and clutched the rail, many doctors tried to help him but he just sobbed more leaned away, shrieking if they got to close, his broken state couldn't handle the blood tests or any test.  
He shook uncontrollably and leaned over throwing up again, once he was down he coughed roughly and went back to crying. They understood and backed away as someone tried to clean up the blood and another replaced his IV bags, some taking notes while others tried to get Connor to return to reality.

Connor blankly stared at his broken boyfriend cry weakly, blood dripping from his open mouth as his body racked with a foreign pain. Before he could even speak, Jared let out a scream crying harder and he seized for a moment, gripping the rail until his already sickly pale knuckles were white and he suddenly stopped, just stopped if it wasn't for his heart monitor Connor would have guessed that he flat lined right there and it was over. The thought crushing him hard and luckily he didn't and he was still alive yet he looked so dead. Connor didn't even realize he was shaking as he watched in agonizing fear. His scream replayed in Connor's head over and over again and he was frozen to the spot as he stopped breathing for a moment. It was like the world could've broke around him but he wouldn't care for the sake of Jared lying lifeless in a hospital bed after having an episode. Connor couldn't handle the thought of losing on of the people he cares about the most... What if he died right there without Evan there or without knowing how much he means to them? "Sir, can you please wait outside...? You can return in a little bit." A nurse tried ask, it wasn't the same one from earlier but a reassuring once who knew how to handle panicked patients. Connor robotically walked out as if his brain was on autopilot and he slumped against the wall, he slid down the wall, and pulled out his phone shakily. He couldn't see the contacts that well as his vision was blurry with hot tears threatening to fall, all he knew was he just, he needed someone. He blinked and hot tears fell, steaming down and allowing to see as more fell, he hit Evans contact and waited for him to answer. When he did boy was he in for a rollercoaster.

\---

Connor shivered at the memory and shook his head turning back to Jared and Evan. Evan was gently brushing Jared hair up for him since he couldn't do it himself, smiling fondly down at him as did it. Connor felt his heart ache in love for both of his lovers and he felt so sad inside over what's going on, Evan doesn't sleep enough anymore and no one knows what's wrong with Jared. Jared doesn't talk about what's wrong with him as much as he should, he brushes it off and focuses on his boyfriends and how their feeling. They both know Jared had a hard time talking about his feelings and puts them before himself, but they won't give up and help him through it. "Hey Jare, how you feeling? Just talk to me, okay?" Evan tried softly, running his fingers through Jared hair, holding his hand with the other. Jared stared blankly at the ceiling as he tried to think about he felt. "I'm... I'm doing okay today.. Not really bad.. Its Tuesday right? I'll be out Friday..?" Evan frowned and tightened his grip on Jared hand. "No sweetie, that happened two weeks ago, but your release was detained after they realized you weren't getting better..." Evan voiced cracked. Jared looked over at him and looked deep in thought as he tried to remember. "Oh? I... Sorry, I just... Uh I g-guess I forgot.. Again.." He sounded so defeated.  
Evan rubbed circles over his knuckle. "Its okay Jare, minuets must feel like days to you honey and hours weeks.." Jared nodded slightly. "Yeah I guess you can say that..." "Have you tried eating anything lately...?" Jared nodded weakly to his question. "Yeah but... I can't have solids or c-certain foods anymore. Easy things to pass like... If you ha-had a stomach flu.." That was another thing, ever since he's been in the hospital Jared sometimes messes up on words or stutters and it's so unlike him. It caught Evan and Connor off guard the first time he did it trying to explain how he felt the day of the incident. 

"Oh, maybe that means you can get better if you can keep your food down." Evan tried to lighten the mood, and Jared shrugged. "Yeah. I guess.. So the usual schedule?" He asked smiling again and Evan smiled back. "Yeah the usual were only allowed in for an hour, got any requests?" "Anything, you two are p-perfect enough." Connor and Evan both felt winded at the statement, they loved Jared so much and it hurt how much he cared for them. "Got it Jare." Connor said and motioned Evan over and unzipped the bag and pulled out a ukulele and handed it to Evan who sat down next to him right by Jared bed.  
Evan started lightly stunning to get a rhythm of any song Connor knew and soon Connor got into it as well.  
"Dites-moi d'où il vient  
Enfin je saurai où je vais..." Connor started softly, if Evan was honest this was the favorite song Connor sung and memorized it on ukulele and was his go to song when he needed something light. Once Jared and Evan discovered Connor loved Stromae and sung French songs they somehow got him to sing more. "Maman dit que lorsqu'on cherche bien  
On finit toujours par trouver" Connor voice followed the tune of Evan's strumming and Jared listened eagerly, loving the sound of his boyfriends together. Soon the night was filled with soft songs and light strums hospital stories that were surprisingly funny, doctors are weird, and a nurse came up three hours later to take them home only to be greeted with the two boys asleep in a chair linked fingers with each other and their sick lover and she didn't have the heart to wake them as she slipped out and let them rest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why do I do this to my sons?
> 
> Ha I love Connor knowing French and singing it.


	6. The fight

A few weeks passed and Connor really hated going to class nowadays and so did Evan, it wasn't really the same without their short loud lover and the teachers didn't really explain his situation the best way and now rumors are starting. Connor didn't really didn't like getting involved with gossip unless it included his boyfriends and he wanted to shout at anyone who got anything wrong or criticized Jared for "faking" god people make Connor want to strangle someone. He lazily got up and got ready for class when his phone rang, he was going to ignore it but it was Zoe and she normally texts him u less its important. Connor huffed and grabbed the phone pressing answer and put the phone to his ear as he pulled his jeans onto his long lanky legs. "What's up Zoe?" "We got a problem." She sounded urgent and nervous and a thought occurred to Connor. "What is it? Is it about Jared?! Did he get worse?" "What? No, no! He's fine last time I checked for as fine as he gets... But that's not the point!" She stressed. Connor rolled his eyes and pulled the phone away as he tugged a shirt on and put the phone back to his ear. "Then I don't care." "What do you mean you don't care?! I haven't even told you yet!" "Zoe, I don't care. If this isn't about Jared's health then its not important." Zoe sighed on the other line. "Our parents are coming." Connor who was about to grab some things and stuff them in his bag froze. He muttered some curses and groaned loudly. "Oh hell no, no I can't- Zoe! I can't deal with them while- while Jared sick!" Zoe muttered something that sounded like French curses and then spoke up. "Yes I know, I know, I tried telling them that we should reschedule our family meet up and that right now is a very tense time for you and they shrugged it off thinking you just were trying ignore this! I'm so sorry but they're gonna come and they want Evan and Jared there and I excused him and things might be a little... Tense and awkward since I didn't give them a reason on why he won't be there." Connor wanted to slam his head against a wall and groaned. "Oh god, fine I'll ask Evan to go. But I am leaving if they talk shit about my relationship or my boyfriends." And with that he hung up and grabbed his stuff and left his dorm. If he had any chance of saving the day he would have to move quick and get some coffee.

>>>

Connor and Evan anxiously waited outside the restaurant they were supposed to meet up with Connor's parents and Zoe and Alana. The girls were off to retrieve the siblings parents from the airport, Connor really didn't want to do this, Zoe didn't want to do this Evan was having a mini panic attack and Alana was the peace maker honestly. Connor ran a hand through his long dark hair and paced back and fourth, while Evan fidgeted with his hands. "Hey, C-Con..?" He asked and Connor stopped for a moment. "Yeah Ev?" "H-hey at least your parents a-are trying right? Th-they might not get wh-when a bad time i-is a bad time... But their trying to sp-spend time with th-their kids.." Connor softened and walked over to Evan. "Yeah I guess your right, have you talked to your mom lately?" Connor always felt selfish talking bad about his parents when Evan didn't have the greatest relationship with his mom and his dad wasn't in the picture. "Yeah, we've b-been doing great, I was just saying..." Evan bit his lip anxiously. "And th-the fact that... Well Jared's parents v-visited him.." Connor instantly tensed, Jared parents was not an okay subject for the boys because of how terrible his dad was.  
His dad was horrible, his mother really didn't do much about it but she wanted to but she lived fear of her husband and just tried to help out her kids. Jared dad was abusive and wasn't exactly around and one day his mother got enough of him and kicked him out. Jared never liked talking about him and Evan and Connor totally understood why, it must've been a hard topic for Jared who went through with it. "How did it go?" Connor knew the answer, it was most likely a huge disaster. Evan bit his lip and ran a hand through his hair, not a good sign.

"His mom was really sad at what happened and Jared was happy to see her but sadly his father ruined it, he came in and Jared had a panic attack and started crying and he had another... Episode... and the doctors had to physically take his dad away and ban him and his mom tried to calm him." Connor winced at the thought of another episode. "Was it him just crying and seizing or full on... Throwing up blood and passing out abruptly like he just... Flatlined?"  
"Crying and seizing then he passed out abruptly scaring his mom." Connor sighed and shakily running his fingers through his hair. "Yeah, okay I'm going to try and work with this, and be brave and... Talk with my parents, there not the best but I could be gotten worse..." Evan nodded and fiddled with one of Jared bracelets on his arm, another habit he picked up while Jared was in the hospital.

Soon Alana and Zoe arrived with Cynthia and Larry, Evan did some breathing exercises to prepare himself while Connor counted to ten slowly and made sure to remain calm. The group walked up to the duo and greeted them happily and a bit dully thanks to Larry, and they all walked inside to get a table. They went to Applebee's and sat in a round booth, looking at their menus. The Murphy parents sat next to each other in the middle, Alana on Larry's side and then Evan and on the other side next to Cynthia was Zoe then Connor. Things were going fine they all ordered their drinks and awkward silence fell upon them. That is until Larry cleared his throat, getting the attention of the table. "So, how's college going for you guys?" He tried to start some small talk, and it worked.. Kinda.

"Me and Alana got all AP classes! Well I got some IB but its been fun, we study together a lot and practice our instruments of choice on the weekends or whenever were free." Zoe said happily and Alana snorted. "More like your girlfriend is your tutor!" Zoe faked offence and Cynthia grinned and Larry nodded. "That's nice, what about you Connor? And you too Evan?" Connor sighed, staring down at the table. "Things are... Okay with college, tons of homework." Connor replied half-assed, he just wanted to eat and get this over with. Evan looked up to meet Mr. Murphy's eyes and gave an awkward shrug. "Nothing r-really exciting r-really happens anymore and I k-kinda wish this year could be ov-over..." Evan did want the year to be over with so during the summer he could spend every waking minute by Connor and Jared's sides in the hospital, and school was draining without all the jokes and happy attitude that Jared carried. Speaking of the other boy, "And how's Jared doing?" Larry asked a bit too sarcastically, causing Connor and Evan to tense a bit. "Jared is doing.. Better.." Connor half lied, half told the truth, his health was increasing but he wasn't in the greatest condition.

"If you don't mind me asking Honey, but where is Jared?" Cynthia asked nicely. Zoe looked at her menu awkwardly while Alana turned to Evan who was fidgeting. "He's not feeling well mom." Connor said, his tone sharp. Cynthia nodded while Larry didn't find the answer good enough. "Not feeling well? That's all? He missed this because he's not feeling alright? If it were me I would have showed up anyway." He scoffed and Connor clenched his fist under the table. "What's that supposed to mean, dad?" Connor spat.  
"I'm just saying he's yours and Evan's... Boyfriend right?" Larry and Cynthia were still wrapping their heads around poly and trying to understand their sons relationship. "Then if he wanted to have a good impression or actually meet your parents then he should've shown up!" Tension slowly started to creep up in the air as Connor got more irritated with his dad. "Well he wants to meet you guys but he can't at the moment, Okay? Just leave it alone." Connor growled and Larry glared at his son. "No, Connor c'mon, sure I don't understand your relationship but I will not let you date someone irresponsible!" "J-Jared is-isnt really irresponsible, h-hes just sick... Mr. Murphy.." Evan tried to add but he stopped trying when he saw the glares Connor and Larry were throwing at each other, this was over and the night was going to end horrible. 

Cynthia tried to calm Larry down but it wasn't working, and Zoe put a hand on Connor shoulder. "Evans right dad, I've met Jared and sometimes he's lazy but he's not irresponsible and he really wanted to be here." Zoe tried and Larry stared at her. "Then he should've shown up!" Connor was getting angrier every second Larry spoke. "He couldn't dad!" Connor countered back. "Why not?! He should've gotten up and shown up, but since he didn't he's not a good boyfriend for you or Evan!"

That's did it.  
Larry set off the firework,  
He lit the match.  
He set off a chain reaction that caused a dark swirling storm to splash out against a shoreline.

Connor stood up and slammed his fist on the table startling everyone. "Don't, you dare say that about him!!" Connor growled. "He is not a bad boyfriend and if you were a good dad you would have listened when we said, don't come! Because everything is not fine! Jared can't be here because he's in the hospital!" Connor seethed, he was like a firecracker sizzling with anger. Cynthia gasped and Larry looked surprised. "Wh.. Why didn't you tell us?" Larry tried. "Oh I don't know! How do you tell your parents who not close too, that won't understand that your boyfriend is sick with a sickness that no one knows about and is getting worse by the minuet and could possible die!" Connor voice started cracking but he wasn't done. "It really isn't that easy to talk about when you've been trying to stay happy for him for weeks while he can't even keep food down and its the most terrifying thing when he has an episode right in front of you!" Connor didn't notice that he as crying until Evan grabbed his hand. "Fuck, I can't do this, don't talk to me dad until you come up with a apology to me, Evan and definitely Jared." He let go of Evans hand got out the booth and marched out the restaurant glaring daggers at anyone who tried to approach him.  
The table was quiet while Larry and Cynthia tried to process what just happened and then Evan sighed gaining the attention of the table. "Sorry, things h-havent been the greatest s-since Jared got admitted t-to the hospital... But Connors right, you guys should've not come and if you were gonna come anyways you should've asked why he didn't want you here." Evan shook his head disapprovingly at the parents and slid out the booth. "You should wait for him to calm down then come up with a good apology." Evan then walked away going after Connor, leaving the table in shock.

Evan ran after Connor once he spotted him walking down the street near the restaurant. "H-hey!" Evan walked by his side and smiled nervously up at him and Connor tensed and turned to him and then slowly relaxed. "Oh, hey.. Ev.." "Were y-you going?" "Hospital." Evan nodded, Jared helped them calm down and likes to listen to their problems, he hated being in the hospital, nothing happened while his lovers were at school. It was cold and dark out so the boys walked close together, the walk would be around 10 minuets that god for Applebee's being close to the hospital. Connor was angry but he tried to calm himself as the cold wind whipped at him again, he kept thinking of his fight. "You think I got mad for no reason..?" Connor asked worriedly. Evan thought for a moment, thinking back to the fight as well.  
"Nah, you weren't in the wrong. I mean Zoe did tell them that timing was bad, they didn't listen." Connor sighed, that was enough for him. The crossed the cross walk and continued on their way to the hospital in comfortable silence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See any mistakes? Let me know


	7. Disconnection

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What are emotions. I lost mine writing this and chapter 8
> 
>  
> 
> Blood Warning.

{Blood Warning}

 

To say Jared hated being in the hospital was an understatement. He despised being in here, especially while Evan and Connor were at school, he wanted them to learn and get good grades but hours of being alone sucks. Jared would sometimes watch some stuff on the TV or have small chats with the doctors but other than that he was bored all the time. And he felt so sick of it, the white room, the aching feelings in his body, the blood, the worrying doctors he just wants to escape it all. In times when he's all alone for hours his mind drifts, and it doesn't go into good places. He wonders if its better for him to just slip away and get rid of the endless pain he's in or if its better of he gets rid of himself and stop burdening Connor and Evan. Or he thinks about how happy they would be without him or what would happen if he just died, would they really be sad or greatful? It wasn't new when Jared thought lowly of himself, he was a bitch and an ass in highschool and he started getting better senior years and freshman year of college thanks to Alana. Without here he would probably still be a jerk and  hate himself even more but he was really thankful for her. And without her he wouldn't have met Evan and Connor.

 

Jared wish he could walk around,  legs were in that constant asleep feeling 24/7 and he hated it, he hates everything in this place. He wasn't getting better and he was forgetting things and wanted to just get up and hug Connor and Evan forever but he couldn't, he was an anchored to his bed. It was like confinement or a prison, he wanted his life sentence to end.  
Today was going to be bad and Jared knew it, he kinda knew when he would get episodes. He felt like even more garbage then he already does all the time and his body movements are more shaky and jerky. Jared sighed, he couldn't deal with another one and Con or Ev weren't there this time. Jared thought of himself selfish for wanting to be held by them, he just wanted them to tell him its okay, things will be okay. Even if its a lie he just needs reassurance, but he'd never ask them for it out loud thanks to the constant voice in his head telling him he doesn't deserve them. Suddenly he felt a sharp pain his chest interrupting his thoughts, he coughed violently and pressed the nurse button before it got to bad. His body was hating him, that had to be it, why else would he be tormented like this. He could feel the bile and blood building up and he coughed and leaned over the rail ready to hurl again, it was the worse feeling ever. The feeling of thick blood mixed with bile rushing up to your mouth like a sea of pain was horrible, while your torso filled with sharp pain like needles sticking in everywhere. Except it didn't come and instead he felt himself just slip. Like he disconnected for a bit and time whirled by to fast and it was all a blur.  
The pain it was intense and he felt his head pounding, his heart rate picked up as he tried to ground himself but he couldn't.

 

Things weren't making sense to him and their were all like shapes and colors mixed together. He didn't hear the frantic voices of doctors, he just kept breathing heavily. He turned over the rail and threw up, there was blood and any remains of his lunch, but mostly blood. But it wasn't blood to Jared, it was just red. And he hated it, he didn't want to see dark red clash harshly against white and gray. He wanted to escape his nightmare, every time he got close to the shore the waves tugged him away viciously and wrapped him back up in cold dark waters. He hated how he could drown at any moment in his own blood or just give into the waves, he could ask the doctors to give him a lethal amount which they'll refuse to but he could still ask. Jared was sick of living sickly and just living in pain, that's all he knew all of a sudden. Just pain, harsh unending pain and he wanted it to end, but he wanted to be strong for Evan and Cannot but it was so hard. He's been sick for two months his health was rapidly declining yet spiking up and getting better than declining even worse, it was a horrible cycle of just pain and sadness. And it honestly pained Jared to see how scared and worried Evan and Connor got whenever bad news was spilled, he wanted to get better for him but he felt himself slipping away. He felt so disconnected from it all.

 

Jared wondered what he was feeling was dying, just slipping away and getting worse and just living in pain and pain until all there is pain and then suddenly there's no more. Honestly the end sounds so sweet to Jared, a bittersweet end to him. He'd be free from the pain that's been boiling everyday in him but it would latch out and invest Evan and Connor in a different worse way. Jared would hate to be in their place, losing one of them to the unknown, while their just feeling pain and more pain everyday he doesn't know how they do it. Jared thrown back into reality by a Doctor trying to get his attention, he doesn't react and whines trying yo get some space. All of them crowd over him like he's a child and he needs a break, but he needs to be fussed over and hr understands but he wished he didn't have to be. And suddenly as he's trying to regain his hearing and actually listen to the doctor its like a volcano exploded in him, like that boiling pit of pain exploded. It was hot, scorching hot needles digging deep into everything, his skull, his eyes, his arms, his torso, his organs and then he's spasming, jolting with pain screaming, crying its a blur. Jared never felt a worse pain then this, as the needles dug deeper its like their already hot metal pushed a liquid until his skin and blood as if his insides and outsides were being flooded with hot lava, burning him up. Jared wanted to die, as he heaved up more blood in pain, as he tugged his hair as if it would stop the pain, endless tears were spilled and he could hear muffled screams asking him what's wrong he couldn't respond to a single one. He could never speak during a episode and he could never talk during something like this and just like that, he feels nothing and he sees is darkness.

 

The doctors stared at Jared limp pale body as his heart monitors slowed down chillingly. It didn't stop, but it was too slow, they didn't know what had happened. He had one of the worst episodes they have ever witnessed before, and they didn't know what to do. One left to go call Evan and Connor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do you hear that?
> 
> Yeah, that's my heart dying to.


	8. Dark Waves

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prepare yourselves.

After the mega episode Jared had, Evan and Connor visited more often and stayed by his side, Connor started skipping and Evan quit his job, Jared protested the boys do these things but they refused to leave him alone. They made Jared talk to them about what happen and he feels and he let them, he was slowly becoming more dull and he didn't argue with his lovers anymore. He hated when people yells now, and he forgets more and more things. He was slipping away with the current and he didn't fight to stay on, they only things keeping him afloat was Evan and Connor. They couldn't lose him or let go, this wasn't the Titanic they needed him. Sadly one day, Jared slipped out of their hold and the current took him away from them. They weren't ready for it, they needed more time, by the waters of fate are cruel and Jared couldn't get more time.

>>>

Evan and Connor were dragged out of their dorms thanks to Alana and Zoe. The girls claimed they needed to get out more, since after the mega episode they've lost sleep and didn't tell Jared that they stopped going to classes all together to stay by him. Not that he'd notice he's forgotten all about college and he sometimes forget who Alana and Zoe are, and on bad days he forgets who Connor and Evan are. It all shook them hard, but they tried to remain optimistic and soon Jared would get better. They were at a local McDonald's and tried to hang out and chat and just do things they used to do. It was sad and quiet but soon a lighter mood was blessed upon them and some jokes were cracked. And in the first time in months the girls saw the boys smile and joke around, they chuckled and snickered at the girls jokes but they never fully laughed. Maybe their hearts were too heavy, but the girls still tried. Evan wasn't going to lie, being out of his dorm and actually doing things and eating real food other than cereal or ramen felt so good, and he was sure Connor agreed. Connor was practically inhaling fries next to him and Evan, well he had been eating his fourth burger, the girls were happy to see them not sadly watching movies that are cheesy eating way to much snacks.

It started raining outside, it was nice to hear the rain hit the windows as the group chat happily. Evan finished up food finally filling up and just stared at the rain outside, it was getting worse. Evan hummed happily, being content with just relaxing at McDonald's with his friends and for once not worrying and just taking a break. Evan turned back to his friends once he overheard the weird ass conversation.

"I'm just saying, Johnathan Groff is pretty hot and I would smash 10/10. Well I would smash if I was a guy.."

"I though you were gay?? And dating Alana?"

"First of all, I'm bi, second of all, he's gay and I'm just saying if I was a guy I'd he so gay for him like hook me up son. And he's on my three list but like if I was a gay guy"

Connor looked at her confused and Alana snickered. "You have a three list?" "Hell yes I do! Doesn't everybody??" Zoe countered back baffled and Evan was now fully paying attention. "I'm sorry, the hell is a three list?" Connor asked, and Evan nodded, also confused on the word. "You uncultured swines!! Let me educate you, a three list is like a lost of three people you'd be allowed to cheat with but the thing is, you'd never meet a person on said list like celebrities. Mine our Brett Dier, Keiynan Lonsdale, and of course the queen Estelle." Zoe said simply and sipped on his soda.

Connor leaned back in his chair and just thought about the new information his sister had just told them, Evan just thought on why people have them, and concluded for lile celebrity crushes, while Alana was shaking her head. "Is one of them from that show you won't stop watching.. Virgin something?" Alana asked and Zoe looked offended. "Jane the virgin thank you very much, and Brett is amazing like he's too pure for this world?? Excuse me." Alana laughed and put her hands up in defence. "Hey I didn't say anything! I only asked a simple question!" 

The conversation continued being light hearted and soft the sound of the rain hitting the building and windows sounded so nice and calm to them. For once no one was unhappy or stressing, the girls felt proud of themselves for making the boys feel better. Everything was great, until it wasn't, and it was sudden and kind of a blur. The conversation was going on with full on laughs when Connor's phone rang, he excused himself and got up and walked over to the bathrooms and answered it. He leaned against the wall as he heard a lady in a calm voice ask if she had the right number and was looking for a Connor Murphy, which he told her was true. At first he thought she was a nurse from the hospital telling him Jared was getting better or was requesting to see them, but that was not the case.

The lady was a nurse from the hospital but she was calling to inform them that Jared was unstable and failing and if he doesn't get better soon with immediate care he would pass away. It was like a sharp stab in Connors abdomen as he felt the wind get pushed out his lungs as he stopped breathing, and his heart just stopped. He could hear the lady asking if he was still there but it became muffled easily and he got pulled deep into his crushing thoughts. His worst fear came true and he couldn't handle it, it just couldn't be true, Connor really didn't want it to be true. He didn't want to believe all of the signs pointing to this outcome or all the facts that he wasn't getting better. Jared's health was like a graph chart, it would be fine and perfect then it plummet then exceed upwards a bit then plummet again and each time he just got worse and worse. Connor was gripping his phone hard as his tried to start breathing again, but it was uneven ragged breathes as he tried to wrap his head around the whirlwind of reality. His emotions swirled into a pit inside him, causing him to shake as he leaned against the wall for support and he didn't trust his legs. His vision was blurry probably from unshed tears that he didn't know formed, he wanted to disappear and just forget all the problems, he wish he and Evan could just somehow help Jared and he'd be fine and healthy. He felt so trapped and exposed, he felt to crowded, he wanted comfort yet he wanted to be alone. 

Connor didn't hear his friends calling him, he didn't hear their footsteps, he didn't hear their frantic worries or shouts, he didn't hear or realize the commotion he caused. Evan, Alana and Zoe noticed that its been awhile since Connor came back and looked up to see him fighting panic attack next to the bathrooms, they rushed over and asked if he was okay and got no answer he just stood there, shaking and staring at nothing. Everyone in the McDonald's heard them and started staring, until Alana told them off and to mind their own business and went back to Connor. Connor didn't realize he was being shakes by Evan until he heard the smaller boy crying out to him. Evan didn't know why he was just staring at him, but he knew he was having a panic attack so he'd have to ground him. Once he got Connor's attention he told him some breathing exercises and to take deep breaths. Connor listened and calm down a bit, and all at once his sense flooded back to him, realizations hit him and terrible wave of emotion hit him as he broke down in a McDonald's. It scared his friends, they weren't used the tall boy to cry even if its a few tears but this was a few tears. Connor actually broke down crying, he was shaking and sobbing as he held onto Evan and the wall for support. Evan hugged him and rubbed his back, he was worried for his boyfriend but before he'd ask about what happened he'd have to calm him down first. Connor hugged him back as his body shook violently and all his emotions he's kept hidden to stay strong for Jared and Evan and all the emotions he felt at the moment just poured out into his tears as he cried.

It took a few moments but soon Connor calmed down holding onto Evan. Zoe ushered the boys to the seats and sat down with Alana and kinda messed with her hands, she didn't know what to say. That was the first time she saw her brother cry at all, Connor wasn't good with emotions and usually just showed his sadness or frustration in anger. Evan rubbed Connors back once they sat down in the booth and then took a deep breath. "Con.. Are you okay now?" Connor weakly nodded and he kept staring down at the phone in his hands with a sickening sadness and burning hatred. "Alright, what happened szerelem?" Evan asked, he rarely spoke Hungarian but he liked to use nicknames in different languages. Connor took a couple deep breaths before sighing heavily. "I just got a call from the hospital.." Evan froze, dread pooling into his stomach like a venom. Zoe winced knowing that only meant something bad happened, Alana instantly turned knowing it was something to do with Jared and got scared quickly. "W-well..?" She said quietly not wanting to over step boundaries. Evan held his breath waiting for an answer, when it ever came to the hospital it came to Jared and whenever they called it's never good things.

"He's gotten worse.. S-so worse in fact th-that they believe h-he's going to die soon.. They said there.. Going to try s-some other th-things to help him but they don't th-think he'll make it.." 

The whole table went silent, and the tension in the air intensified as everyone went through different emotions, Connor and Evan pulled each other into a tight hug sadly thinking over this as Evan started crying. Alana leaned back in her seat and took off her glasses and his her fave with her hands and she started crying, Zoe tried to comfort her as she started crying a bit too.  
Zoe wasn't as close as the others but Jared was still her friend and kinda like annoying brother who she didn't want to lose. It hurt that he might not be around anymore with his corny jokes and stupid memes. She always felt bad that her brother and closest friend would lose their boyfriend, and that her girlfriend would lose her best friend. She felt bad and horrible, like disconnected from the grieving, she felt sad and bad. It hurt that the short boy wasn't going to be around much, she really hoped he'd stay around.

Alana leaned into Zoe as she cried, she knew Jared since she was 14 and it was like losing her brother. He was the one who accidentally got her into anime and manga, and then teased her for it even if he secretly liked it but not as much. He was the one who helped her out with her sexuality when she was super confused on how attractive girls were to her. She let him stay at her place whenever his parents fought or his dad got abusive. She helped him learn piano when he showed his interests in classical music. She started crying harder as she thought of things they couldn't do anymore if she lost her brother. No more just late night calls, no talking about which celebs are gay or straight, no more chick flicks with ice cream and spice girls, no more Jazz concerts and podcasts, no more just hanging out at each others dorms and drawing or just being friends. He wouldn't be there anymore, it really hurt when he started forgetting all the things they did but him just... Dying is horrible.. Alana felt sadness just horrible sadness wash over her, she wasn't angry at anything, she was just so sad, she hugged Zoe, holding onto her.

Connor felt overwhelmed, he hugged Evan tightly as they silently cried for their dying lover. He just wanted everything be okay and just for the short boy the ran into their lives to be okay. He felt overwhelming sadness and anger and frustration, he hated that he couldn't help him, he hated how terrible he felt, he hated how much pain Jared was in, he hated the hospital for not trying hard enough, he hated Jared getting sick, he hated being so helpless in the situation. He wished he could be of use, like he could just make everything better. It was hard, he knew he couldn't do anything but he wanted to help in some way in every fiber of his being. He hated how cruel life was, sure Jared was an ass at times but he didn't deserve this, no one deserves this. Connor wanted everything to go back to being okay, before he got sick just one more say at the beach or in their dorms. 

Evan was upset, he was anxious as sadness washed over him and pain. It really hurts when the sudden reality that someone you love so much can just be ripped away from you. No matter how much Connor and Evan held on its like Jared was slipping through their finger tips. Evan just wanted to pretend it was all okay and that Jared was never sick and everything was okay and everyone was okay. And everyone would be happy and everyone would want that, something so nice and happy, all five of them just hanging out and saying jokes and eating ice cream going to the Beach and hang out. Even wanted to pretend he was dying, he really really wanted to. He didn't want to face reality, he hated reality, it reminded him of how much life just sucks. At first he didn't believe it, he didn't want to believe it, he wanted to believe Jared would get better. He thought it was fake that he wasn't getting worse and some horrible prank was happening or he'd wake up for a sick nightmare. But deep down he knew it was true and it was so hard for him to cope with. He can't deal with losing him or Connor.

The table of young adults was sadden with their different griefs, the next day the all visited him and they all knew it was coming, Jared wasn't Jared anymore.. Connor and Evan could barely look at him without crying. He was paler than the last time, thinner than Connor and looked frail and fragile, he had bruises from holding onto the rails to hard after throwing up. He had dark rings under his eyes that sunk into his skull, his hair was no longer tameable and his heart rate was lower than it should he, he would throw up stomach acid now not keeping his food down and if he wasn't throwing up blood it was coming out of his nose in painful nosebleeds. When Jared acted like himself, he just seemed so numb and he had no hope for himself. On his pale body it was easy to see his veins or his bred lips tainted with his own blood. His hope was gone, his eyes were dull and he was practically dying inside and out.. He was a mess and so was Evan and Connor seeing him like that left bitter tastes in their mouths and a heavy feeling in their hearts.

They did their normal routine, French songs and ukulele strums and warm blankets except a lot of tears and understanding. They didn't know if it was the last time they'd sing to their boyfriend, or if it was his last time hearing them sing to him. It was beautiful and painfully sad, so much raw emotion was poured into every note and strum as they made sure it was the best goodbye if he did leave them abruptly. Connor and Evan played Formidable for him, Connor's voice kept cracking as he tried not to cry and Evan messed up slightly on some notes because his tears blinded his vision a bit. Once it was over the silently cried and kissed Jared on the forehead telling him that they loved him and reluctantly left, as they made it to Evan's dorm they sighed in defeat as they looked at the small messy dorm

The boys crawled into bed around 2:30 am after binge watching all of their nature documentaries as cuddled up together. It felt so wrong without Jared but they needed to stay strong and they needed each other. As they finally got some hope and happiness and were about to sleep. 

Then it happened.

Then,  
Connor's phone rang.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *unholy screeches* 
> 
> Why do I do this to my son


	9. Drain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sadness, pure sadness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all ain't ready for this, neither am I.

Then,

Connor's phone rang.

Both boys groaned as the chime filled the silent dorm with basic calling music.

"Just ignore it and let's go to sleep."

"Shit it's the hospital again..."

Evan sat up instantly and looked at the phone screen as Connor held it in his hands nervously. He hesitantly picked up and pressed the phone up to his ear, Evan started chewing his nails as anxiety washed over him, he examined Connor's facial expressions closely. Connor listened the man on the other in and sighed in utter defeat and sadness and he pressed his lips in a thin line. Evan curled up into a ball, running a hand through his hair, as he felt the tears well up, the way he reacted only meant bad news. Connor spoke softly and hung up moments later and then proceeded to sob and start crying, he shakily told Evan that Jared had died.

Just like that,

He was really gone.

It was just over.

Evan didn't want to believe it, but he did. And it hurt. It really did, he started crying too, all the hope he had just gotten vanished into thin air as if it never existed, he just died. He was ripped from them violently and the water finally cleared as if the storm came on a mission to drown the boy. Their lover, the boy they cared for so much, they one they sung to, the one that baked, the one who played piano along with them, the boy who spoke German occasionally, the one with shitty memes and a goofy perfect laugh the one who puts them before himself, him they lost him. The boy who ran into them at the beach because his best friend stole his glasses, and she proceeded to throw them at them. The guy who brightened their day just by smiling, the boy whose snarky remarks to haters made their hearts swell, the boy who played weird memes. The boy who cared for the both of them with his heart and wanted them to be happy and put them before him, him. Yeah, he was gone, he slipped away at the dark hours of the night, alone in a hospital, did he even remember how much he was loved? Did he finally get free from the all the pain he felt? Did he even leave peacefully?

Evan broke, he started crying and rocked back and forth as all the memories of Jared filled his thoughts and it dawned upon that he was not going to be around anymore. He knew he was getting worse and he could always go see him and the sight of him filled him with hope that he'd get better, but now he was gone. Evan leaned into Connor and buried his face into his chest and cried. Connor rested his chin on his forehead and held him tightly, he rubbed his back and cried. His whole body shook as he clings to his boyfriend, nothing seemed real except Evan. Soon the two fell asleep each other's arms shortly after calming down and just clinging onto each other.

 

>>>

 

Over the next few weeks the boys had to plan their lover's funeral and it wasn't easy, every time they tried to plan, it ended in tears with little work done. They had to invite Guma for Alana's sake and her small family, calling people to break the horrible news of passing away was difficult especially if you knew the deceased personally. They invited Alana and her family, Evan's mom and her fiancé and his son Jeremy, Connor's family and their other friends. After finally getting everything prepared the day finally arrived and the day was so unbelievably perfect it made the boys wither in sadness at the reality of the situation. It was bright and sunny outside, not a single rain cloud like in he movies, or any cloud. It was the sunniest day of the fall and it was Jared funeral. Things don't work in movies like they do in real life, just because it's his funeral doesn't mean it would raining and be gloomy. The two grieving boys got dressed and drove in silence, they didn't dare touch the radio, it hurt too much to hear the upbeat music Jared left on it. They decided to have the funeral at the orchard they went to often, Jared once said he'd enjoy being put to rest in a bed of flowers somewhere quiet, he never liked the thought of being buried in a gloomy cemetery with other deceased. So, in respect, they did just that and planned for him to be laid in one of his favorite isolated place.

They arrived at the orchard and walked down the path to where Jared's service would take place and it hurt how bright and colorful the place was. All the happy memories they shared here flashed through Connor's and Evan's heads as they slowly walked together. One time they came out and made flower crowns and Jared forced Connor to wear one, and they had brought some of Guma's dumplings and pot-stickers and just ate while the sunset. Another time Jared had taken a bunch of flowers from the orchard and made bouquets for them and took the apples and made apple pie, he would hate to admit it but he loved baking. Just being in the place made their hearts heavy as more memories piled up in their minds, they forced through their sadness and arrived to the service. Alana, her family, and Guma was already there standing near the coffin in silence, we had to wait for the others to arrive first before they started. Once the others arrived the priest started the service, and Connor and Evan did a good job at masking their emotions that is until they removed the lid of the coffin. 

Just seeing the peaceful limp body of someone who you loved so much and were close too just hits you suddenly. Connor couldn't help the downpour of tears as he slowly and quietly broke down at the sight of their lover. His body shook softly as the gravity of the situation hit him at full force, its one thing to hear a loved one is gone... but to see it was a whole new level. It meant it was true and everything was over and Jared was gone, and Connor thought he was prepared for it but he wasn't, he really wasn't. Every time he and his family went to distant relative's funerals he never really felt anything or really fully grasped the thought of how someone can just be ripped from your life in an instant. That was until he lost Jared, then he finally understood how everyone felt, it was crushing , and scary, and the reality on how short life is and how easily someone can just stop existing painfully or peacefully. Connor felt his chest tighten as more tears streamed down his face, the background talking from the priest sounded foggy like Connor was underwater and felt like he was drowning. Sorrow and sadness overwhelmed him in a deep dark wave as he choked softly, trying to not have a panic attack at a funeral. Everything was like a blur to him and everything was fuzz and his chest hurt, his face hurt and he was shaking violently, he couldn't see through his burning tears.

It took Connor five minuets until he noticed the tight grip on his arm, he blinked away tears to clear his vision for a moment and he noticed Evan full blown sobbing next to him, they were loud and ugly and so full of raw emotion and pain and held a death grip on him as if he left go he'd lose him too. Evan was in to much pain to even care about how loud he was, all he cared about was saying goodbye and never letting go of Connor. Connor held his hand as they cried, the others were also crying but that didn't matter to them at the moment. Once the priest was done preaching he asked people if they'd like to come and say some words and Evan decided to go first, he stood next to the coffin and looked down at the other boy almost breaking down again. As he tried to find to say to him one last time, he couldn't bring himself to speak English everything got jumbled in English, so he didn't. 

 

"Jared volt olyan fontos személy az életemben, és szerettem őt annyira együtt Connor és én vidám hiszem, el kell mondanom, viszlát. nem akarok búcsút mondani, soha nem gondoltam, hogy elhagyja, én tartott abban a reményben, hogy jobb lesz, de mivel ő elhunyt helyett remélem ő végül fájdalom szabad és boldogabb." 

Evan voice cracked as he said his goodbyes in Hungarian, only a few understood him, but they got the gist of it. He poured his sadness and sorrow into his words, voice cracking as he tried his hardest to not completely break. 

"Isten én vidám hisz hes ' elveszett, mozgó-ra szokás lenni könnyű és mindennapi lesz fájdalmas de beteg lenni erős részére neki, Isten pihenés-a lélek és május ő lenni béke, én szerelem Ön tehát sok Jared" he started crying again and walked down and stood next to Connor. 

 

Connor went up next and rested his hand on top of Jared's and wanted to shrink away from existence, this whole thing felt like an out of body experience, he didn't know what to say. He wished that Jared wasn't lying in a coffin and was there alive with them and instead of a funeral they could be just having a day out in the orchard. But life doesn't work out that way, humans are such fragile machines but damn, Jared shouldn't have gone like this. Got sick unexpectedly and spent his last days in a hospital bed in pain and in and out of the right mind, seeing someone slowly die and become a different person is just sickening and awful but its worse when they just pass on. Was it selfish? Connor couldn't tell, was it selfish that he thought it wasn't fair that he wouldn't have Jared in his life anymore? Connor leaned down and said his goodbyes quietly, he knew he wouldn't get judged for his words but he still preferred it to be private. 

"I don't want to say goodbye to you, I never want to say goodbye, but life isn't fair and you have to go, and I have to move on... but I can't live like I used to without you, we can't do it but we can learn to live without you. Even if we don't want to, you were so fragile and wonderful and I think its unfair for you to be ripped away from us, I'm going to miss you much you perfect asshole, ill miss you playing the piano or baking, or your memes and your upbeat meme music, I wish I could've spent more time with you... you went to soon and young you could've done so many things... our lives are going to be so different without you, I love you so much... I'm sorry Jared, you never deserved this." Connor's voice wavered as he cried and kissed his forehead one last time, he leaned back and sniffled wiping his eyes and walked back to Evan. They held onto each other as the service continued and others said their goodbyes, satisfied with their last words to Jared.

 

Once the sevice was over Jared was buried with flowers planted over his grave in beautiful patterns and vibrant colors with a small tombstone which had the words 'Jared Kleinman, lover, friend and secondary son, Er wird vermisst warden." Engraved into it. Everyone had left while the two sat in silence just mourning their unfortunate loss

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ha that was hard to write, also I poured my feelings into this scene cause I've had this experience before and reality really hits hard when death suddenly is so scary. Here have some Translations there from google so my bad.
> 
>  
> 
> Jared was such an important person in my life and I loved him so much together with Connor and i cant believe I must say goodbye. I don't want to say goodbye to telling me I never thought of leaving, I kept hoping it would be better, but since he's deceased instead I hope he's finally pain free and happier.
> 
> God i cant believe he's gone, moving on wont be easy and common will be painful but ill be strong for him, God rest his soul and may he be a peace, I love you so much Jared
> 
> He will be missed


	10. Rain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You thought this was over? Nah, I wish it was tho.

_It was a cold and dark night as Evan walked across the sand alone, listening to the comforting sounds of waves as the lapped eagerly at the shore. Evan focused on the ground as he walked across the cool rocks and sand and he heard distant birds quietly quack. Evan looked up at the stars as he calmly took a deep breath of the salty air, he loved being here after all. Suddenly he felt something soft under his toes other than the rough sand and gazed down to see a soft cream-colored towel. He sighed and took a seat and watched the waves, everything was calm and relaxing, everything was fine. He closed his eyes and breathed in and out softly, enjoying the calming waves and the taste of the salty air Then the atmosphere shifted, and something felt... off._

_Evan opened his eyes as the air around him shifted, it still smelt salty but now metallic and the waves appeared darker and more violent. As he turned to the towel he was horrified to see the used to be cream towel stained red with blood. Evan quickly got up his stomach churning at the sight and smell of it he backed away from the bloody towel in confusion and fear. A loud crash sounded behind him and he whipped around to see the waves crashing and trashing violently as if a storm had brewed out of nowhere, he backed up and in front of his eyes horror happened. The dark waves turned crimson with blood and crashed down against the shore staining the sand red. Evan backed up feeling sick as the over powering smell of blood filled the air, the wind whirled violently almost knocking Evan off his feet, all he could hear was the overbearing sound of crashing waves._

_Evan suddenly was knocked over by the powerful winds and was thrown into the sea of blood, he instantly lost his way as he was thrashed around. And then everything stilled and became calm, Evan looked around in disgust and trued to swim up but he couldn't, he gazed down into the dark red only to find his legs chained to something. He thrashed around and yanked on his legs, as he thrashed his lungs started to burn. He frantically pulled and tugged on the chains doing nothing to it, the burning in his lungs came overbearing and he gasped for air, knowing it would only fill his lungs with blood. But the burning stopped and he could breathe, so he was chained to the ocean of blood and he could breathe, what the hell? Was he dead? Suddenly the blood twisted and splashed and he could see something in the distance approach him. So, Evan wasn't alone, Evan watched in curiosity as it approached him._

_As the dark figure got closer Evan's heart dropped and he trashed once again the water/blood, even though he could breathe in this messed up place he felt the air leave his lungs as his heart sped up in fear. He knew he couldn't get away but he didn't want to surrender, he struggled as it approached and he wanted to scream but his voice gave out. The figure stopped dead in front of him and Evan could no longer move his body and he was forced to stare in fear at his dead boyfriend, and it wasn't just that. He had no eyes, just dark endless sockets that gazed at him, he was deathly pale and was basically a twig, he no longer resembled the boy he grew to love but it was him or some messed up version. He just stared at him and Evan was forced to stare back and he wanted scream, he wanted to throw up. Then the imagine of his boyfriend broke into a sickening wicked wide grin, it looked unnatural like the rest of him and Evan wanted to look away. "Evan, aren't you happy to see me?" Its voice came out distorted and broken and it lurched forward and tightly grabbed onto him. "I thought you and Connor missed me..." Evan couldn't do a thing other than gaze at it, tears streaming down his face as he found his voice. "you're not Jared... god no, leave me alone..." It's grin wider and suddenly he was thrown onto the shore only when he stood he was in a hospital room. He looked around confusedly and sighed in relief, he noticed a figure asleep in the bed and slowly walked up to it, only to find Jared staring up at him, blood oozing from his mouth, a wicked unnatural grin stitched into his face. The bed was bloody and pooled out on the floor at Evan's feet and stained the white floors and Jared screamed, a long, loud blood curling scream that echoed in his mind as it rang through the room._

__Evan woke up to being shaken by Connor, hot tears wee freshly streaming down his face and he shook violently as he remembered every detail of his nightmare vividly. Connor quickly wrapped him up into his arms into a bear hug as he rubbed his back. He blinked a few tears away as he tried to figure out where he was and sobbed once he realized he has another nightmare. It's been eight months since Jared's death and Evan had vivid horrible nightmares. They had to take him to mourning therapy and help him through his grief, they had ways to help him during panic attacks and hallucinations and nightmares. It was hard moving on from a loss and sometimes Evan couldn't deal with it. He leaned into Connor's arms and cried as he tried to shake the terrifying morbid dream he dreamed of before._ _

__> >>>> _ _

__The next day Evan felt a lot better, a bit shaken up but he was better. He had taken his anxiety medicine and calmed down while watching tv with Connor. They were watching polar bear documentary's and Evan couldn't seem to focus on the tv and was pulled back into his mind. Documentary's made Evan happy but he couldn't shake his dream, he's had worse but he misses Jared deeply and it hurts so much not being able to wake up with him and Connor. The dreams of Jared just being alive and well hurt even worse than the nightmares because it just reminds him he doesn't have him anymore, he and Connor had fell into a deep depression the first month after losing Jared and struggled to get out of it for a long while. They managed to get through it together but it was really hard learning how to go about with day to day tasks without having a panic attacks, they were a lot more common once Jared passed away. Evan felt sadness swell inside and he just sat there staring at the tv and felt way to depressed to watch tv and stood up._ _

__Connor who was really focused on the documentary thanks to Evan hooking him, didn't notice Evan's disgruntled appearance until he realized he stood up and was walking towards the door. He paused the movie and turned to him, rubbing his elbows and tilted his head at him. "Where you going Ev? This one your favorite." He questioned as Evan grabbed his keys. "I'm going on walk or shopping or something, my mind space is fucked and I just need to clear my head." He answered weakly and opened the door, Connor nodded and turned back to the tv. Evan closed and locked the door and walked towards their car and hopped in and started it up, he started driving and sighed. He focused on the road and gripped his steering wheel and tried to calm down, he didn't even realize his breathing picked up slightly. It was raining softly in the middle of June; he and Connor had gotten new jobs after fighting through their depressions and tried to get back on track with their lives. Sometimes Evan felt too down to go to work and once he got enough money he got new meds to help on bad days, and once he got them it helped out and he felt comfortable in his workspace again. He couldn't go back to college and continue you with his classes anymore and stay in his dorm, he and Connor got their own apartment and tried to fix themselves. But its hard to get through a loss, and suddenly there's a void you can't fill or replace you can only move on._ _

__Connor got two jobs and tried going back to college but he couldn't just return to their old college so he signed up for a small community college and took online colleges so he could stay at home with Evan when he wasn't working, which Evan really enjoyed. Being around others really helped Evan when he's having a panic attack or just feeling down, he was thankful for it and he often felt clingy when he was sad which Connor told him was not true. Evan drummed his fingers on the steering wheel as he sat at a light, the rain trickling down hard on the windows, must've started raining. The light turned green and Evan drove off drumming in a repeated pattern, counting each strum quietly, as he approached the next light down he saw a swerving car approach dangerously fast. He harshly hit his breaks, but it was no match, the rain had caused the roads to be slippery so instead of braking he spun out of control and felt a strong impact on the car. Evan was flung forward and hit his head on the dashboard and suddenly there was nothing, Evan felt nothing,  the police arrived hours later to find a horribly accident._ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry.


	11. Rain?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a pretty short update but it should have a different impact than last chapter.

_Evan drove off drumming in a repeated pattern, counting each strum quietly, as he approached the next light down he saw a swerving car approach dangerously fast. He harshly hit his breaks, but it was no match, the rain had cause the roads to be slippery so instead of braking he spun out of control and felt a strong impact on the car. Evan was flung forward and hit his head on the dashboard and suddenly there was nothing, he felt nothing, the police arrived hours later to find a horribly accident._

_Wait, that can't be right._

_A swerving car approached dangerously fast, he harshly hit his breaks?_

_That's not how it went. At least that's how Evan thought it happened... But that happened right?_

_Evan rolled up to a red light and watched as a swerving car approached dangerously fast_

_He watched it approach, every second it came faster and Evan just stared._

_The other car hits it brakes and swerves even harder, there are car tires screeching as other cars braked._

_Evan gripped his steering wheel and watched it, his knuckles turned white as his breath got caught in his throat._

_This seemed right... Evan didn't hit his brakes at all, he just watched it come closer._

_Evan felt noting as he watched the car's blearing lights approach, the rain thundered down harshly as he thought about the car. He didn't know why but he didn't want to turn away or jump out the car and avoid the swerving vehicle, he had an odd feeling of just wanting to crash. He felt a longing void in him to just accept it and let go, it was a crushing feeling as time slowed down for him. He could easily just slip away and see Jared again, he was so close he could just reach out to him, but what about Connor? He couldn't just leave him, but what was the point... Evan found it difficult to go on as he tried to heal but there was still this nagging to let all his worries go and just disappear but he always viewed his wishes as selfish to his friends and family and to Connor._

_He's heard about this longing before... l'appel du vide... 'call of the void', a French term..._

_A strange appeal to self-destruct in situations with life and death._

_He had suicidal trendies in the past and he never tried to act on them and relayed on comfort from his mother, but now looking at the life and death decision he didn't know what to do, it happened all to fast and before he could back out to save himself, the impact happened._

_Thunder boomed as lighting crackled against the dark sky as glass and blood littered the ground. Evan laid there he had fallen out of his car and looked up at the black dotted sky. Was that his vision? His vision blurred as more black dots appeared and his head felt fuzzy. Oh yeah, he hit his head the dash board ... was he bleeding? Sirens reeled in the background but Evan didn't care, he barely heard them anyway, all he could think about was Connor as he slipped out of consciousness ._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just realized I made a terrible pun in the beginning.
> 
> This story will be the death of me.


	12. Update (not a chapter)

Sorry this isn't an update

School has been going on for like two months and I haven't written anything for my stories, so I'm just gonna take a break because school is emotionally and physically kicking my ass.

So, when I get a chance to write and update I'll do my best, but I physically can't right now, plus I've been really stressed out too. And I got stressed with updating but I'm just tired and drained right now so I gotta focus on not dying in school.

Hope you guys understand, sorry :)


	13. Another Update. (Im not dead)

Hey yall, how you guys doing? Hopefully well.

So I'm not dead, sometimes i feel like am tho so theres that. Im finally back into writing but updates are probably gonna be slow cause i need to focus on my academics and arts (i go to an art school, wowie)  
Things have been fun and my creativity is back though i dont know how I'll finish this story.

Plus before i could even start writing ive had some living problems and things were quite stressful with finding a olace to stay and keeping up with school so theres that. But things should be better now and i should get a chapter out soon

I had plans in ending it and making a sequel but my motivation for that plan have kinda died so im still trying to figure it out but im pretty sure ill get at least one chapter out this month.

Oh and my birthday's coming up, so thats nice. Alright, hope everyone's doing well. I'll do my best to get a chapter out and see where it takes me. 

Later :)


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